Mushy Thoughts

"I love you, but I'm not IN love with you." Most of us have either heard or said this at least once in our lives. It's the line that makes you feel better if you're delivering it (like you're softening the blow), but worse if you're on the receiving end (What's wrong with me? Why aren't you IN love with me if you love me so much?). We all know there is a difference, some line that distinguishes the two, but I've never been able to put my finger on exactly what that is.

I was thinking about wedding vows yesterday (no reason in particular), and it hit me. I understand the difference, at least as it plays out in my own life. You love someone for the qualities they possess: for their sense of humor, for the way they think, for their kindness and generosity. You are IN LOVE with someone for the way they make you feel. They bring out the best in you. You are happier than you've ever been, and you feel like you can do anything when you are with them.

Putting it in these terms makes it easier for me to understand how it is possible to have either one without the other, though I've never heard anyone say, "I'm IN love with you, but I don't love you."

Comments

[Richard Ames]

Ah, so being "in love" is a selfish, me-oriented kind of feeling and "merely" loving another is not. So, are the two mutually exclusive? That is, can you be "in love" with someone (i.e., they make you feel great) without loving them (they're personally okay, but they possess no particularly compelling qualities to love)? "Honey, I'm in love with you but I don't love you." Imagine that!

[HK]

I think it's been observed by writers throughout history that there's something inherently narcissistic about the state of being in love (though I can't think of a particular writer at the moment). But, I don't know. How does unrequited fit in with that? The object of that kind of love can make you feel like dirt, can trigger self-loathing rather than self-love.

[drop]

This posting makes me think of the three Greek words for love:

agape - the love for humanity in general
eros - the love based on desire for the other
philia - the love based on the qualities of the other

Sounds to me like we could say "I philia you, but it's not eros..."

For a better description: http://www.iep.utm.edu/l/love.htm

[greenleaf]

Clearly this is an emotional topic.

What is very clear Autumn; Tony is a lucky guy!!!!

[ML]

Autumn:
Yes, Tony is a lucky guy! Gosh, we miss you, Autumn. And, since you keep up with your best friend's blog, this friend she might have taken a walk on Peaks Island with - friend was underlined, so I clicked it and got a blogger. I got right on the phone with her to ask about this blogger friend, and didn't get her. Hmmm. I'm curious.
It's interesting to keep up with you two by blog, but sometimes I need filling in.
Love you and can't wait 'till July,
ML

[van]

I would define " I love you, but I'm not in love with you " as a exercise in public relations. Sounds good on the surface, but if you look closely, it has no definable meaning, and guess what ? since we're breaking up - I NEVER have to define EXACTLY what that means in the context of OUR relationship. It's the number #1 excuse used by people caught cheating on talk shows, you know the ' I'm happily married, but ' type. Those people who have issues dealing with reality as it is, instead of how they 'feel' it should be, for example a wishy-washy woman. I have nothing against women, but far too often I see too many place their feelings before ANY logic which could save them heartache. Add to this, men who easily use a woman's own emotions against her, in a well planned, logical seduction. Relationships are usually up to a woman's understanding of them, (men rarely grow up thinking about there wedding day) therefore, a woman's best defense against heartache ? Her brain ! Emotions play tricks on you. Asess your feelings - logically - then if you love somebody, you do- and if you don't love someone, you don't. It is not the beginning or the end of the world, and if you feel it is - you are probably emotionally unstable. Trying to make things sound nice so you can feel good about yourself, or can continue to be friends, shouldn't always be an option. Solving the issue should be priority number one, however it must be done. This also means an asessment of what each individual contributed to the realtionship - pluses and minuses - so hopefully, personal growth and development can be achieved. http://www.wayneandtamara.com/topicbutimnotinlovewithyou.htm discusses this topic exactly. In other discussions on their site concerning infidelity, you begin to see a very familiar pattern of people who cannot address a problem as it exists - without sugar coating - or romanticising, thus they usually wind up 'mistresses'. I fear that there is a direct correlation between these and the ' I love you, but' types, psychologically, the term is ' cognitive dissonance ' . The most unfortunate thing is - too many women will sleep with a married man 'if the situation sneeks up on them' If any woman really wants to know what their up against, get the book "The Machiavellian's Guide to Womanizing" by Nick Casanova , and don't get mad - use your head !!

[PG]

I think we all love for basically the same things, but fall in love for different reasons. I figured out recently that I can't feel "in love" with someone unless he is willing to be a little vulnerable. This manifests in different people in different ways: my first "in love" was someone who put his feelings for me out there completely, whereas my second was someone who slowly released small easily-hurt pieces of himself.

I can love someone who has lots of great qualities and is just plain fun to be around, but I can't be in love with him. Probably why I didn't fall for my best friend at grad school, but did for my best friend in undergrad, even though the former is handsomer (MUCH hotter body) and more confident than the latter. At least understanding a little of this allowed me to give the best friend good advice on how he needed to stop being cool and joking around for long enough to tell someone that he really liked her -- which worked out for him.

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[Elizabeth]

I have something to say about this.. sometimes you love someone so much, love them for all their qualities and how happy they make you, you love the person that they are, and try as hard as you might, you just can't be "in love" with them. No butterflies, no sinking feeling at the thought of losing them, no highs and lows, blushing, song singing at the thought of them.. there might even be a physical attraction and connection with them, and the chemistry's there, but not 100%.

Of course when you fall in love with someone, you love them as a person. I feel it's impossible to truly be in love with someone and not love them too. (That seems like more of a crush.. which is easily mistakeable)

I've experienced the love and companionship without the being in love part and it's made me think long and hard about what I want out of life. I would be content to marry this person and spend the rest of my life with him, I truly feel he understands me more than anyone, and I felt at one time that I couldn't bear to tear his world down and that all I wanted to do was make him happy. But then I thought about what I was potentially missing out on. Is there someone out there I could be in love with and love as this type of companion as well?

Someone wise once told me life is like a field of corn, you go through row by row looking for the perfect piece of corn. You might see what you think is perfect in the third row but wonder about what lies in the other 97 rows.. it's a gambling game and the problem is that once you pass that row of corn, you can't always go back..

I'm not sure about you people, everyone needs to do what's right for them, but I'm only 26, and I'm willing to take the chance of seeking out my perfect piece of corn..